Tonight I am breathing
Tonight I am breathing. In and out. regularly- which can become ir-regular as I am an asthmatic, but tonight in and out. It feels stable and normal and functional. I did not feel this way last tuesday - I was afraid. I have been afraid since Tuesday but feel much better now. It isn't anything large or medically frightening - just fear. It is as old as the moment of Cain taking the breath for Able. I think he must have been afraid.
It is a lie, fear. It locks us in prisons and tells us that no one will resuce us, no one will love us, no one will light this dark long night for you to find your way, no one will believe you can fly - it is a lie. don't believe it. I am learning to trust. If I am honest with myself I know that I can not do this on my own. My mountains are too big, the words are too harsh, this pain is too deep and involved for me to climb - but I know that at the end of the day there is someone who takes my hand and asures me that these things are lies- he will rescue us, he will love us, he will walk the darkest nights, he will be our wings to fly. He whispers that I, we, are not to walk alone on such trechery, but with him and him and him alone. Our path is unsure, hazing and deep to depths I can not fathom, but somehow I know that it is right and true and above all safe-fear is banquished and there is only trust here.This is now my walk, our walk, me and him- the walk that only lovers take.
I am learning to love-when it's hard and not easy- miles away and sitting in my room. ambiguous and through layers of grossness- I am truly learning what it means to love. I am learning to live for the Kingdom and not for myself. This type of learning, this type of love is transforming me-pulling me apart on the floor, but gently and wonderfully. I welcome it. it's about time.
Tonight I am breathing again, tonight my breathing has become a Fray piano solo -quiet in my room. "So this is where you are, so this is where I am - somewhere between unsure and a hundred."
I am led to walk, to trust, to love - this is easy sustained breathing.
Currently listening to: The Fray - "Hundred"
It is a lie, fear. It locks us in prisons and tells us that no one will resuce us, no one will love us, no one will light this dark long night for you to find your way, no one will believe you can fly - it is a lie. don't believe it. I am learning to trust. If I am honest with myself I know that I can not do this on my own. My mountains are too big, the words are too harsh, this pain is too deep and involved for me to climb - but I know that at the end of the day there is someone who takes my hand and asures me that these things are lies- he will rescue us, he will love us, he will walk the darkest nights, he will be our wings to fly. He whispers that I, we, are not to walk alone on such trechery, but with him and him and him alone. Our path is unsure, hazing and deep to depths I can not fathom, but somehow I know that it is right and true and above all safe-fear is banquished and there is only trust here.This is now my walk, our walk, me and him- the walk that only lovers take.
I am learning to love-when it's hard and not easy- miles away and sitting in my room. ambiguous and through layers of grossness- I am truly learning what it means to love. I am learning to live for the Kingdom and not for myself. This type of learning, this type of love is transforming me-pulling me apart on the floor, but gently and wonderfully. I welcome it. it's about time.
Tonight I am breathing again, tonight my breathing has become a Fray piano solo -quiet in my room. "So this is where you are, so this is where I am - somewhere between unsure and a hundred."
I am led to walk, to trust, to love - this is easy sustained breathing.
Currently listening to: The Fray - "Hundred"
posted by melissa at 10:52 PM
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