Reflection on love

Warning: Totally shallow and superfluous blog ahead.....ok so normally I wouldn't take the time to write such a shallow reflection, but I think I am in love with John Mayer. Don't stop reading......It hasn't always been like this, I actually used to think he was a bit of a merck. In Melissa language a merck is someone who doesn't really contribute to the world around them and often times mopes creating either chaos or trouble - and sometimes both. I also use the word 'squirrelly' interchangeably as well. I mean, he seemed like a nice guy and all and his music was catchy and he's a wicked good guitar player, but a merck none the less - sorry John. But since the new album and all I think I'm changing my mind.

A few weeks ago I was over a friend's house and I heard this haunting, jazzy, fresh melody that caught me by surprise. Right away I knew it was him and expected the same old 'your body is a wonderland bit', but I was pleasantly surprised. It was his new song, which was bright and jazzy - about changing the world and feeling rowdy and protester-like. letting your voice, which was voiceless heard- I was diggin it. So I promptly looked up the new CD on itunes, like every new John Mayer lover would do, and found his website. I found out 3 great things from this site...

1. His site hosts 4 songs, including "waiting for the world to change." Now these songs are easy accessible for any John Mayer fan at any time. The site also hosts the music video of my new fav. song which is chey great. It's artsy with the city in the background. There are people who look engaged, angry, ready to stage a revolution.... Graffiti, tattoos, guns down, standing against the man - all good stuff.

2. His site host his blog. John is a blogger - yeah!!! Now, he might not be the most insightful blogger, more 20 something boyish writings about zombies and such, but he writes, and is consistent, and to me, some of his more serious writings and journal logs seem authentic and real and make me want to know him more. I can get behind a man that blogs like that.
Plus, his last few entries were from Portland OR. He likes Portland a lot - hello!!! can we say wedding bells...

3. John Mayer is a good looking man. Normally I wouldn't write such a comment, and looks are hardly very important to me, but he did look quite nice in his video. His New England garb was quite fabulous and that pea coat made him look caring and mysterious - about the world, and wanting to change it.

So there you have it. I'm in love. I can't wait till pay day so I can run out and buy the new CD - the new CD of my future rock star husband John Mayer.

But of course he isn't perfect. He doesn't have neat links on his website that lead to world changing groups like ONE-End poverty, or World Vision, or the Red Cross. I think that if you want to change the world, and have others want to change it with you, you should give people the opportunity to get involved and give and stuff like that-just saying. And I'm not sure if he loves Jesus, which is the most important thing to me. And when I was at the grocery today I noticed in the check out line that he might be dating Jessica Simpson. Hmmm -i don't think i can compete with Jessica Simpson. So maybe it isn't love after all, maybe just infatuation or lust (yikes). But he did look great in that coat.

That's alright, Perhaps I'll just listen to his soothing melodies and be content. That will be enough.
But John if you're reading this..... you can sing me love songs, I won't mind. Jessica doesn't have to know.


***I promise - I am a good blogger. If this blog disappointed you please feel free to read last Saturday night's blog which was much less boy crazy and more contemplative.




Currently Listening to: John Mayer 'I don't trust myself loving you"

Tonight I am breathing

Tonight I am breathing. In and out. regularly- which can become ir-regular as I am an asthmatic, but tonight in and out. It feels stable and normal and functional. I did not feel this way last tuesday - I was afraid. I have been afraid since Tuesday but feel much better now. It isn't anything large or medically frightening - just fear. It is as old as the moment of Cain taking the breath for Able. I think he must have been afraid.

It is a lie, fear. It locks us in prisons and tells us that no one will resuce us, no one will love us, no one will light this dark long night for you to find your way, no one will believe you can fly - it is a lie. don't believe it. I am learning to trust. If I am honest with myself I know that I can not do this on my own. My mountains are too big, the words are too harsh, this pain is too deep and involved for me to climb - but I know that at the end of the day there is someone who takes my hand and asures me that these things are lies- he will rescue us, he will love us, he will walk the darkest nights, he will be our wings to fly. He whispers that I, we, are not to walk alone on such trechery, but with him and him and him alone. Our path is unsure, hazing and deep to depths I can not fathom, but somehow I know that it is right and true and above all safe-fear is banquished and there is only trust here.This is now my walk, our walk, me and him- the walk that only lovers take.

I am learning to love-when it's hard and not easy- miles away and sitting in my room. ambiguous and through layers of grossness- I am truly learning what it means to love. I am learning to live for the Kingdom and not for myself. This type of learning, this type of love is transforming me-pulling me apart on the floor, but gently and wonderfully. I welcome it. it's about time.

Tonight I am breathing again, tonight my breathing has become a Fray piano solo -quiet in my room. "So this is where you are, so this is where I am - somewhere between unsure and a hundred."
I am led to walk, to trust, to love - this is easy sustained breathing.

Currently listening to: The Fray - "Hundred"

New life

Ok - so it's been a long time, but my friend curtis has motivated me back into the blogging world. you see - curtis is now a dad. That's right, that great pic is of him and his little beautiful girl leah!!! So sweet - so amazing - I felt like I had to mention it to the world that this great and wonderful thing has happend. she will surely be wonderful like her parents i'm sure. If you're reading this, which I doubt because why would they spend any of the free time they have reading silly blogs when you have a new born in the house, congrats friends. Blessings upon you.

On a different note, as I was driving home from school tonight I was thinking about Tampa and about how I fell in love with her.
I remember the first time i walked by the water when it was cool and bright, -the cobble stone of my neightborhood, the way the sky would bleed from yellow sun to pale orange to purple blue - it would capture me during long evenings. I truly love her and always will-her place in my heart is full of life and energy and color. She sings a song like no other place I have ever lived or breathed. I think we become nestalgic when we realize what we have known will soon become unknown again, like a dream my friend tells me. i - i am trying to prepare her, in my heart, prepare me...
new life will tell us how the sky sets when we aren't looking...